I used to be frighteningly under confident in social situations. And although people who know me now would never believe I used to doubt myself so much I literally had to learn confidence until it became a natural part of me. I can tell you relaxed optimistic confidence is just, well so much more fun.
Here I'll tell you about the things that made the most difference to my confidence levels...
Some people have naturally high levels of confidence but everybody can learn to be more confident
Firstly, it's important to get a clear idea of what self confidence really means, otherwise you won't know when you've got it! So, self confidence means:
1) Being calm. For every situation in life you need to run on the appropriate level of emotion. Too much emotional 'leakage' into a experience can spoil the experience. You make great strides towards confidence when you begin to relax in a greater range of situations.
2) Being cool. The second part of self confidence is about being able to relax with uncertainty. To be 'cool' in a situation really means relaxing with not knowing how things will pan out. If you truly tolerate uncertainty, you can do pretty much anything.
3) Not being too concerned with what others think of you. You know when you imagine what some place is going to be like before you go there but when you get there it is totally different to your imagination? That's how reliable your imagination is! Stop trusting your imagination so much. I've long since stopped bothering to imagine what others think of me because so often I've turned out to be wrong.
4) Being specific - where do you want confidence? 'Confidence' is meaningless until you tie it to something specific. You are already confident that you can read these words or can switch a light on and off. So you don't need more confidence everywhere. To get what you want in life you have to establish exactly what you do want. Where do you want confidence in your life? Think about the specific situations now and write them down. You beginning to steer your brain towards confidence.
5) Understanding that what you expect is what you get. Your brain is an organ that needs clear goals to work towards. When a task has been set in your brain it will do everything it can do to bring about the completion of that task. If you've tried to recall someone's name but can't, hours later you'll often find their name pops into your head.
The 'trying to recall' experience set the task or blueprint for your brain's future subconscious behaviour which eventually produced the name for you - when you weren't thinking about it consciously. You can use this natural mechanism to start feeling more confident. But, to ensure you set the right task for your subconscious mind, the next point is vital.
6) Don't task your mind with negatives. Instead of: 'I don't want to screw up' (which sets the task of 'screwing up' for your brain), set the blueprint for what you do want! Your brain doesn't work towards what to do by being told what not to do. And nature has given you a wonderful natural tool to set the right task blueprints with.
7) Use nature's goal-setter: Now you understand how vital it is to set the right task for you brain, you need to know how to do this reliably. Good hypnosis will strongly 'program' the right blueprint in your mind through the use of your imagination. If you powerfully imagine feeling confident and relaxed while in a relaxed hypnotic state it will be hard for your unconscious mind to do anything else. The blueprint for relaxation has been set firmly into your subconscious mind.
3 simple strategies to get you feeling confident quickly:
1) Think specifically of the time/place/situation you want to feel confident in. Remember 'confidence' doesn't mean anything until you attach it to something specific.
2) Focus on words in your mind right now that describe how you do want to be in that time and place. Maybe words such as 'calm', 'relaxed' or 'focused'. Remember your brain works on clear positive instructions.
3) Close your eyes for as long as you like and think about how those words feel. Then, imagine the situation itself and rehearse it in your mind feeling confident and relaxed. This way you set the right blueprint or 'task' for your unconscious mind.
You can repeat this often to make it more effective and use it with as many areas of your life as you need to. If you listen to a hypnotic cd or download that can make the benefits even more powerful (see my profile below). So if you feel like you'd be blessed with less confidence than some other people you can start redressing the balance by using your mind in the right way right now.
It took me years to learn how to be more confident - now you can do it in a fraction of the time. Good luck!
Boost your confidence now at HypnosisDownloads.com
Article by Mark Tyrrell of Hypnosis Downloads.com.
Take Action - Get Confident
Fact: People are not born confident. Build more confidence and break the chains of shyness with this self-improvement strategy.Do you want confidence? Then practise self-confidence and self-assurance.
In the National Geographic series Dog Whisperer, the famous dog behavior expert Cesar Millan uses these tactics to convert a cowardly dog into a more confident one.. How? By tying the end of a leash to the reluctant dog's tail to lift it in the air when the animal was taken for walks.
He knew that a confident dog's tail stands straight up. By lifting the dog's tail deliberately, he shows that you can train the brain to feel more confident. The same principle applies to people. This allows even the shyest person to get real confidence by practicing self-confident behavior. 1. Look and learn The earlier you are exposed to a confident role model, the better it is for the development of your own self-confidence. But there is one condition: your role model should not be egocentric. s/he should be interested in you. Let's assume you grow up with a smooth talking older brother. If his confidence is selfish or egotistical, you'll be more likely to perceive it as a negative experience and reject it. But let that brother take you under his wing, and you will look up to him and learn from his socially adept style. Action Plan: It is never too late to find a mentoring opportunities. Choose a friend, colleague or family member who exude confidence and a sense for social interaction - but make sure it's someone with humility that has your best interests at heart.Then you look and listen, and analyze that person's actions. Pay particular attention to how they talk, walk, and their physical posture. If you see self-confidence in action, this is the first step to build your own self-confidence. 2. Talk to your body Your physical posture reflects your mood - if you feel depressed, it is likely that you will be loitering, you will fold arms or will frown. It also works the other way, because when you "hold" your body and fold yourself (by folding your arms), less "happy hormones" reach your brain. It is obvious that your mood can mime your posture. When your body and face expresses confidence, it is often followed with real confidence. |
"I have just qualified as a Clinical Hypnotherapist, but I have to say that the information in your free hypnosis course on how to write your own scripts is far more succinct than any other information that I have come across."
C Langhorn, Clinical Hypnotherapist, Glos, UK "Your hypnosis course. has convinced me that hypnosis is a scientific tool with which to overcome any psychological problem in your life" Ian Small, Undergraduate Student, Stellenbosch, South Africa
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Action Plan: Work towards maintaining an open posture. Keep your back straight, shoulders back, head up and arms unfolded. Practice taking long, strong strides with this open attitude. Why do you think they teach models to walk like that? Because it exudes confidence. Let your body work for you by dressing correctly. If you look like a hobo, you will feel like one, but if you're dressed smart, you will automatically look, act and be more confident.
3. Speak up Shy people talk softly, as if they do not want to be heard. You do not have to yell or scream to generate confidence, just project your voice - a little louder than you are comfortable with. It will not sound so loud to other people and it will let your personality count. Action Plan: If you are in a socially challenging situation, wait a moment before you start speaking and remind yourself that you have something positive to contribute. Say it then. Loud and clear. 4. Mirror on the wall ... It helps to see yourself full of confidence - especially if your shyness lets you doubt or question your social skills. When you have a image of yourself in your head as someone confident, you will find it easier to be charming and to test the different confidence tips that you learned. Action Plan: Each week, put a little self time aside and experiment with facial expressions and attitude described above. See how relaxed you look when you make eye contact, smile and stand up straight. Then see that image in your mind when you feel like collapsing. |
5. Build it up slowly
Do jump into the social deep end before you are ready. It serves no purpose to flirt at a party if you do not have the confidence to deal with rejection. If you put yourself under too much pressure too soon, it can injure your confidence, rather than reinforcing it.
Action Plan: Practice your confidence in situations that gradually become more and more challenging. Start with an environment that is not really challenging. (alone, in front of a mirror) and then progress to a situation that is a bit challenging, like a coffee shop. Build up slowly to a highly threatening situation such as a speech, or to ask someone out. The key is not to fret about the mistakes you made. Rather reward your yourself for accomplishments and small, personal victories.
6. Pretend
Sometimes even people with lots of confidence pretend. They talk happily while they actually want to crawl under the table. We can all pretend. A brave face elicits a positive reaction, which creates real confidence so that you no longer need to pretend.
Action Plan: Eye contact can project confidence but if you are very shy, it is often difficult just to look someone in the eyes. If you are struggling, do not look directly into the person's eyes but rather focus on his or her forehead. This creates the illusion of eye contact without the anxiety of the real thing.
7. Practice Rejection
I have a friend who is confident enough to approach any woman without fear. His secret? He accepted that he may be rejected nine times out of ten But he also knows that he will get a one out of the ten times positive response. The lesson: assume that most relationships do not work out and do not feel bad if you are fobbed off.
Action Plan: Always remember the one-in-ten rule. Remind yourself of that fact even before you try anything. This will help to accept rejection gracefully and to “get back onto the horse”.
8. Start with small talk
Some people talk easily and comfortably with anyone – others have to search for words and often say the wrong thing. But the truth is that it is not so difficult to have a conversation or to get one going.
Action Plan: The secret is to start with something that is important to everyone - exceptionally good or bad weather, or the beautiful decor in a room. Then when you're confident about it, try a joke or use the old miracle tactic: Give a compliment.
9. Forget the comments
If you grew up with a parent or an authority figure who criticized you continually on everything you did, you will automatically criticize everything you do. But even without external disapproval, many of us live with an unceasing fault-finding voice buzzing in our head.
What was I thinking? How could I say that? I'm so stupid. I'm a failure. Late at night and in those quiet moments in the morning hours the critical thinking smuggles with your head. In social situations it can make you wilt and withdraw from others. To stop these comments which are destroying your confidence, you have to nip these thoughts nipped in the bud. How? By kicking them out.
Action Plan: Sit down and write down your own critical thoughts - every single one, no matter how long or repetitive the list. This removes the thoughts from your head and places them in real life. Then look objectively at the thoughts.- are you really stupid, or just someone who also makes mistakes?
Otherwise get an outsider's view of reality or show your list to a confidant. Do they agree with your internal critic, or are you just too critical of yourself? Chances are that you will find this process liberating and life confirming.
10. Choose the right audience
This point is very important: don’t expose yourself to people who are hypercritical or that wants to put you in your place all the time. At a family dinner you choose not to sit next to the uncle or aunt who continually question your actions with:"Why are you not married?" or "When will you get a decent job?"
Action Plan: Try to keep yourself surrounded by people who give you life energy in the form of praise. Choose people who are on your side and who support your commitment to build confidence instead of breaking it down.